Toyin Kehinde: I don’t joke when it comes to sex

I'm most fond of my bedroom.

That's where I enjoy the best fellowship that gives me the tonic to keep going. That is where I meet with a man to whom I can pour all my heart. That is where I get the best counsel, encouragement and prayer. I attach the most importance to my bedroom and of course I don’t joke with my sex life – it is an integral part of the fellowship that I am talking about. I know that marital bliss cannot be without sex. I tell business and career women not to joke with their sex life; and I practice what I preach.

Oh, let me set the records strait; I am busier now than when I was a banker; as a counsellor, pastor and one in a social responsibility sector. Then, as a banker, I had resumption and closing time, and when I had to call it a day and go home. But now, I could get calls at 3am on my duty as a pastor. Sometimes, I am at my desk here in the office till midnight, attending meetings. Sometimes, because of my busy schedule, I don’t have good sleep for three consecutive days. If I could manage my sex life then, it should be difficult now; but no, it is not. 

I have set things right. I tell married women at all kinds of fora that it is better not to marry than come into it and claim to be tied and unable to enjoy sex – you are courting trouble. There are so many mistresses out there willing to give it to your husband. Let me share a personal secret: when you are tired, that is the time to have sex. It will cool you down, that is the design of sex. It puts your body back when it is about to give way. That is the best sleeping pill – the right sex, with the right man – your husband. When you feel really tired, have a good shower, relax in your bed beside your husband, let him rub your back, you rub his and before you know it, you are there and you will feel really refreshed. I have practised it and I know it. It also cements relationships and settles quarrels.

Hmmm, there has been no time that my no was outright. I have had to say no only to find out that I have yielded. Before I had this understanding, I, like other women, had the erroneous belief that sex further drains you when you are already tired. I have since learned not to say no; it doesn’t mean that I have sex every day. But on whatever platform I stand to teach around the world, I do say that for a healthy marriage, that a couple should not have any week without sex. When I see couples who quarrel on every little issue, I find out how their sexual life is; then I discover that they have not been there for two weeks, one month, two months. So not a week without sex please.

Well, there are factors that aid good sex. There shouldn’t be pressure. Some African men love to leave the roof burning and pretend nothing is happening. He knows the bills have not been paid, yet he wants to sleep with his wife whose mind is naturally on the unpaid bills. The woman is not in the right frame of mind for sex. So it is easy for her to say, ‘don’t touch me; let’s talk about the bills instead.’ If the man is not ready to talk about it, they stay off sex for as long as the issue is unresolved. This is for the men, ‘it is not the time that you want to go to bed with your wife that you remember your wife exists. Pay the bills; make life comfortable for your wife.’ That is why I can’t say no to my husband. He makes life comfortable for me, he doesn’t give me a headache about bills being paid, he pays attention to every detail and makes sure they are fixed, he gives me hope. In such a man, I can relax; he doesn’t wait till bedtime to tell me he loves me. 

Even in the midst of his schedule as prayer director of Lagos Chapter, Pentecostal Fellowship of Nigeria, among others, he still minds little details. He calls just to say, ‘I love you’; he knows I love ice cream and he buys it often. There is nothing he can’t do to help me, especially when I get home late at night – in the kitchen, in the shower, in the bedroom, we help each other. When a man is as good as that, he will enjoy his wife in every sense of the word. Some men say their wives don’t help them meet needs at home, but they don’t open up to their wives. I spoke to a widow who said she didn’t know her husband’s office address while he was alive.

It is not affecting our work; rather, it helps us to work better. When we are at work, we should be focused. Office romance doesn’t have to be physical today. Social media has made the world absolutely without barriers and borders, but work hours should be given to working.

Punch