Hello Bigbrother! This is your egbon speaking. Please come
to the diary room for questioning.’
‘Huh? This is my what? Who the hell
is my egbon? I am Bigbrother and nobody summons me to any diary room.’
‘Shut your mouth Bigbrother and
listen very carefully. I am your egbon. That means I am your bigger brother and
you have to show me some respect. And If I want you in the diary room, you go
there without a grumble. And listen Bigbrother, you better take your hands off
your pocket and wipe that fake baritone off your voice when talking to your
egbon. Olori buruku omo ti o ni respect. Are you still standing there? You have
less than a minute to put on a shirt and present yourself for questioning in
the diary room.’
‘Please sit down Bigbrother, you are
now in egbon’s diary room and in the course of this session, no argument will
be tolerated. You are only allowed to speak when answering a question. And you
are only permitted to answer my questions with “Yes egbon” or “No egbon.” Have
I made myself very clear Bigbrother?’
‘Yes egbon.’
‘Yes egbon.’
‘Very good, now my first question,
Bigbrother, are you aware that your ratings have dropped tremendously?’
‘Yes egbon.’
‘And do you have any contingency
plan to salvage this situation?’
‘No egbon.’
‘Why don’t you have a contingency
plan? Isn’t that what any intelligent person would do?’
‘Yes egbon but nobody would have
thought my ratings would crash at any point considering my platform.’
Moving on Bigbrother, tell me, was
it part of your initial plan for people to be subjected to those troubling
scenes which are corrupting the morals of their children?’
‘Ehmm yes egbon, that was actually
the plan. That is why it is called a reality TV show.’
‘So you are saying that the smoking
of marijuana and drinking alcohol are also part of this reality?’
‘Egbon, these house mates are no
kids and some of them are chain smokers and drunkards outside TV. So, why make
them pretend on TV? Moreover, making money is the objective and you and I know
that immorality sells faster than anything on TV.’
‘Bigbrother, I want you to be very
honest with your answer to the next question.’
‘Ok egbon trust me.’
‘I was told you have two daughters,
can you lock any or both of them in the same house with strangers from other
countries for months and allow them have random sex and shower naked under
camera surveillance with the whole world watching?’
‘Egbon sincerely I won’t.’
‘Why won’t you? But you told me in
clear terms that the main objective of your show is to promote mutual
coexistence between Africans from various countries.’
‘Egbon my children are schooling and
they are not cut out for things like this.’
‘Oh, you mean other people’s
children are good to coexist but yours can’t ehn Bigbrother?’
‘Egbon, my daughters are very
fragile and they get bruised easily. But are you accusing me of taking
advantage of the contestants or the public? I never forced anybody to subscribe
to my show. Also the contestants knew what they were getting into from the
outset. Nobody forced them to participate. And egbon, how come nobody talks
about my $300,000 that the winner takes home every season? How come nobody
talks about the fact that I am turning these guys into celebrities? Most of them
were on the streets and I gave them opportunities. People should stop this
undeserved criticism.’
‘But are you aware that people are
referring to what you have here as a modern day concentration camp?’
‘Egbon, I have never heard that term
before.’
‘Yes of course you haven’t. But you
must have heard that most religious leaders are clamouring for your outright
ban?’
‘Egbon, don’t make me laugh, I can
assure you that those ones are the addicted viewers of the shower hour. Egbon,
abeg leave the religious leaders, I don’t have time for their hypocrisy.’
‘Ok, Bigbrother, tell me the first
thing that went through your mind when you heard your show was banned by the
Malawian government.’
‘Egbon sincerely I just laughed at
the jokers and knew such ban won’t last and like I predicted, it didn’t.’
‘So who was responsible for the
lifting of the ban?’
‘Egbon I am Bigbrother but you of
all people should know that I have bigger brothers.’
‘Yes I am one of your bigger
brothers and I was sent here by others because we are all losing patience with
the drop of income. And before I leave here Bigbrother, let me inform you that
the other financiers including myself would love to know your plans to increase
your ratings.’
‘Egbon, there is no need to worry.
Just tell them they will start making a lot of more money very soon.’
‘Bigbrother please cut the crap and
give us something tangible. What exactly do you have in mind?’
‘Egbon I am introducing other side
attractions like lap dancing and stripping from next season. It will be tagged
“Bigbrother the Erotica.” I know a lot of people will call for my head at first
but trust me egbon, like shower hour, it will be another hit and income from
sms will pour in like water from a broken dam.’
‘That would be fantastic Bigbrother.
But don’t you consider that kids are watching?’
‘Egbon that’s why we have PG
regulations and this new additions can only be viewed by special subscribers.’
‘Bigbrother I can assure you that
these additions will most definitely bring about your end. You will be
butchered from left, right and centre.’
‘Forget that tin, egbon. Like 2baba
would say, nothing dey happen.
No comments:
Post a Comment