The wedding
cake is hard and stale, you’re still picking stray confetti out of everything
and the wedding gifts are stocked away in cupboards never to be seen
again (notice that everyone totally ignored your John Lewis gift
list?). So what happens now?
Congratulations
– you and your spouse are all set to commence that perilous but beautiful
journey that is married life.
They say that
the first year of marriage is the hardest; there are adjustments to be made and
points to be proven to any doubters you had. It’s an eventful and mixed year
and here is everything you can expect to happen:
1. You will get
excited over your new titles. You will
take a thrill out of introducing your new life partner as your husband or wife
as opposed to your fiance and if you now have a new surname, you will smugly
call up the banks and phone providers to inform them that someone finally
put a ring on it. You will also spend a ridiculous amount of time
perfecting a new signature.
2. You will
discover new habits. If they
had informed you before-hand that they wear the same underpants two days in a
row, would it have altered your decision?
3. You will get
a pet together. A cat is to a newly married
couple is what training wheels are to a bike. If you can’t keep a cat
happy and healthy, then stock up on plenty of condoms – you aren’t ready for a
baby.
4. Speaking of which, baby talk WILL be on the
agenda. The thrill of doing
something as grown up as marriage makes you excitable to take the next step.
Ovulation apps will be downloaded, you will interrupt TV shows to point out
what a lovely name that would make for a baby and you will spend a fortune in
Holland and Barrett on vitamin supplements to give those swimmers and eggs a
chance.
5. Your first
significant fight will have surprising results. It’s a fright when you have that first major argument – you fear for
your entire marriage as you haven’t yet realised how common the bickering will
become. So afterwards, you will engage in the best make-up sex ever and enjoy
mutual presents, favours such as massages and meals and the swapping of love
letters saying you’ll never fight again. Don’t get used to it – by year five
it’s all stubborn silent treatment.
6. You will
dismiss rumours. People telling you that
marriage gets into a boring routine and that the honeymoon period doesn’t last
just never knew how to do the matrimony thing like you and your other half do.
7. You will create rotas. Literally, schedules for everything. Who will feed the cat, whose turn it is to do the washing up, who cooks, whose turn it is to choose something on Netflix? You will also never stick to them.
8. You will
pinch yourself. Whoa, I’m actually married!?
Me!?
9. And you will
feel old. Last thing you remember, the beat
was dropping in your nightclub days at age of 18. Now you’re married to someone
and have responsibilities and stuff. Scary – but also quite nice. It will take
the whole first year to get your head around it all.
10.
You will try and liven up sex by being experimental. In a desperate bid to prove the rumours
wrong that married sex gets samely (what’s wrong with missionary every Thursday
between the two episodes of Emmerdale?), you will do everything you can to
prove how kinky you both are. Guys, it’s not necessary yet. The first year is
peak time for ‘normal’ sex. Emergency ‘kick start the bedroom action’
procedures should only be engaged at year ten when everything has dried up.
11.
You will have a routine. It will take a while to fit into a mutual routine that works
for you both and you might start to worry that it’s bad to fall into one.
But actually, routine is one of the best things about marriage and you
wouldn’t half miss it if it wasn’t there. Nothing wrong with wake, work, gym,
bath, dinner, soaps, Netflix, sex, sleep, repeat.
12. You will be
fine excreting in front of each other. Look, you’ve promised your whole life to this person and made some
pretty hefty vows. If your spouse wants to brush their teeth while you’re on
the toilet, it’s no biggie. You share everything now.
13. Money
becomes a terrifying issue. Sharing
money is scary. Having a joint account makes you feel like a grown up but the
associated problems of budgeting and fair spending and saving can be a headache
when you are getting used to them in those first months. No more dipping into
the funds when you fancy getting a boxset – consult bae first.
14. You will
try and recreate your honeymoon. It was
AMAZING – let’s face it. You were on a high, it was probably mostly paid for by
other people and the passion was off the scale. No weekend in Whitby will match
it – so don’t build it up to be like that. Breaks away will be very important
nevertheless and while they’re not the same as your fortnight in the Bahamas,
there’s no reason it can’t be just as good.
15. You will
get annoyed at the in laws. As you
tried to snare your husband or wife, you did everything you could to butter up
their parents and agreed with every word they said. Now, you feel you can
express your feelings on their faults and you will find yourself becoming more
assertive. So long as you’re not unreasonable (come on, they’re still your
parents in law), they will respect you more for it and you’ll end up getting
even closer and becoming a big family.
16. The first
anniversary will be a BIG thing. But you
will be disappointed by the fact that only you and your spouse will make a fuss
over it. You might get a few cards and Timehop posts on your Facebook but you
got your big attention on the day. Still, it was never about that, it’s just
about the two of you. And that first anniversary night is pretty magical. You
have done a whole year!
17. You might
wonder if you did the right thing. It won’t
always be easy and you’ll occasionally question your judgement…
18…but it won’t
take you long to get your answer. It’s a
very fleeting doubt and just spending time in the company of this human being
you love unconditionally means that marriage was the best decision you ever
made.
And if you
enjoyed that first year – think how many more you have ahead.
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